Edgar,locke and celes are sitting round a table,the phone is ringing in the background, edgar is blabbling on about something


Edgar: ...Which if you ask me is completley stupid!, so anyway,tifa decided


Celes: Hold on...who's tifa?


Edgar: What?


Celes: Who is tifa?


Edgar: Ive been talking about her for the last 10 minutes!


Celes: You have?


Edgar: Yes! its this story,and its bloody funny,so pay attention..


Scene of vincent running down a street


Back to table scene


Edgar: and then she...


Locke: Whos getting married?


Edgar: Wha...nobodies getting married!


Locke: ...oh


Edgar: ...So tifa goes to the party anyway...


Locke: Are we invited?


Edgar: To what?


Locke: The wedding party


Edgar: This isnt real! its a story about tifa!!


Locke: Who's tifa?


Another scene of vincent,he turns a corner and trips over a bin,a BFG 9000 falls out,he picks it up,throws it over his shoulder and carries on running


Edgar: ..You know,the girl that used to run the sector 7 bar?


Celes: OH! The one with the enormous tits!


Edgar: Theyre not that bi-...celes,would you stop being such a sex maniac?


Celes: You can talk,mister 'girl bait'


Edgar: That...that was a long time ago


Celes: It was last tuesday!


Edgar: Just...shut up,shut up! i dont know why i bother sometimes...


Celes: I dont know why you bother ever


Vincent bursts through the door


Vincent: Hey! i got something really important to tell you!


Locke: Answer the phone vincent


Vincent: What?


Edgar: The phone, answer it


Vincent goes to answer it, but it stops ringing


Vincent: Oh bugger it, anyway, never mind


Edgar: Never mind? NEVER MIND? That could have been really important!, but now we'll never know who it was!


Vincent: We could use 1471


Locke: No we cant


Vincent: Eh?...why not?


Locke: It's 1982


Vincent: Oh yeah


Edgar: 1982?..That means i last changed my clothes...19 years in the future


Celes: I was wondering what the smell was


Edgar: Hey!


Locke: Hmm,yeah..maybe we should go to the lanudry


Celes: Yeh,i didnt change once during final fantasy 6!,maybe we should


Edgar: What about all those times we had hot steamy se-


Celes: MAYBE we should go


Edgar: hmpf, did change your socks in the game


Celes: Thats only cause the other ones tried to kill me


They all hear a strange noise,and look one way..something rushes past behind them


Vincent: Wow..that was scaaaarry


Suddenly a sock jumps at him,knocks him down and runs off


Celes: Oh god! its that killer sock!,quick,arm yourselves!


Vincent: Wow, isnt it funny that it attacked us just as we where talking about it


They go upstairs-Locke and Celes walk into a room and find some bars round the door


Locke: Edgar!


Edgar (from outside): Im not going in there!


Locke: We need the keys to this thing!


Edgar: Theyre on the hook


Locke (looks at the hook,theres nothing on it): No theyre not


Edgar: Then the sock must have them!


Locke points a shotgun trough the bars


Locke: Alright sock,theres no way out! give it up and we promise to let you free


Sock (From hiding place): Bollocks!


Locke: Right,plan B...


Vincent busts in with a HUGE gun


Locke: What the fucks that?


Vincent: Its me BFG 9000


Locke: Jeez..couldnt you have brought something a bit more practical


Celes suddenly cries out in pain


Celes: AAAHH!..I been shot!


Scene of the sock holding a small BB gun


Sock: Ya feeling lucky punk?


Back to the cage


Locke: Lets see...


Vincent: AAAHH!,I been shot!


Locke: Well shoot it back


Vincent puts on some thick sunglasses and fires the BFG 9000,theres a huge flash of light as it goes off and a really loud POW! as it hits


Vincent takes off the glasses,the other two are stunned...celes grabs at the air then grabs vincents collar


Celes: If you EVER fire that gun again your a dead man!!


Vincent: What? i got the sock didnt i?


Scene of the room,most of the opposite wall has been blown away and a city skyline can be seen through the hole


Locke: Okay okay,the sock situation is dealt with...but we really do need to go to the laundry


Celes: We cant


Locke: Why not


Celes (Guesturing through the hole): Its midnight


Locke: Alright then,tomorrow


Cuts to a scene of a victorian science lab,a scientist called dr carlisle is looking though a microscope


Dr carlisle: Incredible! final fantasy characters the size of bacteria re enacting a hilarious 80's TV show!


Dr not the nine o clock news: Im going to perform an experiment which involves placing a cream bun on the edge of this box,is that okay?


Dr carlisle: Yes yes,anythings better than that time you showed me the elephant man that turned out to be a real elephant


Elephant: I tried to tell him myself...but nooooo!


Back to the house,the 4 characters run downstairs-but are all wearing the wrong clothes-Celes is in vincents jacket and black trousers,edgar is in locke's blue jacket,white vest and black trousers,Vincent is in edgars blue top and jeans and locke is in celes's bright green bathing suit thingy


Celes: Ahh,i feel really strange today


Locke: Yeah,i just dont feel myself


Edgar: Are we gonna go or what?


Vincent: Yeah,ive got the teleport materia right here


Vincent casts the teleport spell,they appear back in thier proper clothes,but in hell


Vincent: Bugger


View goes across to where two cyberdemons are playing chess,one has small versions of the doom monsters as his peices,the other has stuff like planes and tanks of the U.S space marines as his


Cyber 1: My jet fighter takes your cacodemon


Cyber 2: oh bother


Cyber 1: Uh-oh...ive buggered up


Cyber 2: I move my icon of sin to here,hah,check mate


Cyber 1: Isnt it ETAM KCEHC!!! ?


Cyber 2: Hehe,you do a great impression of that icon of sin...that guys really stupid though-he only has that spawner thingy-and talk about overweight


Cyber 1 is shocked


Cyber 2: He's behind me isnt he?




Icon of sin fires a spawner into cyber 2,causing the imp that appears to telefrag him


Back to earth,outside the laundry,the 4 characters appear out of the air


Vincent: Thats better


They go inside with the laundry bag,people run out gagging


Inside-they go to a machine


Locke: Right,first,fill machine...


All the machines slam thier doors shut


Washing machine: Piss off!


Celes: Dammit!


Vincent: ahh no! technofear!


Celes: Dont worry,ive talked to lots of machines before


Edgar (to camera): Yeah,she used to ring up shinra tech support a lot




One machine opens up


Celes: NOW!!!!


They all hold open the door and stuff the clothes in,then hold it shut while locke stands back and reads the instructions, the machine makes gagging noises and starts to shake


Locke: Okay,add the powder...well what kind of powder??


Celes is unscrewing the top of a pipe bomb


Celes: Gunpowder


Vincent: I think it means washing powder


Locke: Okay


goes over to washing powder dispenser,smashes it open with his elbow and steals a box


Locke (Pours it in the tray): Right,thats the powder, we require conditioner


Vincent: No,thats just for people doing thier hair


Locke: Right..insert 10 gil


Everything stops


Goes back to them sitting round the table in the house


Celes: Its not like this neeeeds cleaning anyway,i wont even buy it for 18 years


Edgar: How did we get back into 1982 anyway?


A "The end" scene from an old western pops up for half a microsecond


Locke: Vincent botched the teleport spell


Edgar: ahh


Vincent: Its not my fault, yuffie buggered up all my materia


Locke: Ah yeah, Yuffie, i remember her..i wanted to get her into bed


Edgar: Thats not exactly a challenge...


Vincent: ......AAAAHH!...Thats what i needed to tell you!!!


Locke: What


Vincent: We've been picked to go on finalfantasy challenge, Tonight!


Celes: Oh god....TO THE STATION!


Locke: Music!


Motorhead appears playing "Ace of spades"-with various scenes of the 4 in the station


They run through the station car park


All 4 run under a big sign saying "NO ENTRY", as gaurds lazily try to stop them by sticking thier arms out


Scene of edgar running past a newspaper thing,he steals a paper but then pays for it anyway


Locke walks out of a shop with a drink


Celes runs past the newspaper thing,stuffs an entire bun in her mouth,including the wrapper,then gives the woman two fingers and runs off


Vincent is waiting for a photo


Locke looks at his watch and spills the drink


The song ends as they all jump on the train as its leaving


On the train-vincent and edgar are sitting round a table,vincent is reading from one of a huge load of books and papers


Vincent: Gah,its gonna be really hard,i wont be able to answer anything


Edgar: Well i dont care,youre there swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo,and i havent dont one bit of work! (Picks up book) go on! test me!


Vincent: I thought you just said...


Edgar: Just test me! do it properly and dont skip bits


Vincent: Okay (reading from book) "Hi edgar wanna meet up later so i can suck on your-"


Edgar: Not THAT bit!


Vincent: Ahh,okay.."Crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after"


Edgar: ahh...crop rotation in the 17th century was remarkably more widesp-


Vincent: Considerably


Edgar: What


Vincent: Its considerably


Edgar: Well thats not important


Vincent: You said to do it properly


Edgar: Well not THAT properly..


Vincent: Ah..ok


Edgar: Right....Crop rotation in the 17th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread after....ooh,i know this-dont tell me-.......1172


Vincent: ...


Edgar: Well? am i right?


Vincent: You just said not to tell you


Edgar: Well only for a minute!


Vincent: A minute from now or a minute from then


Edgar: Grah! just tell me the answer


Vincent: John


Edgar: what? crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after john?


Vincent: ...llyod invented the patent crop rotator


Edgar: HAH! i knew it!


Vincent: No you didnt,you said 1172,that doesnt sound a bit like john


Edgar: Look,never swot! youve done loads of work for this havent you..loads and loads and loads and loads....


Vincent: Calm down,its only finalfantasy challenge!


Locke and celes come along


Celes (hands edgar a paper cup): Here you are,that'll be a fiver


Edgar: Its empty


Celes: Yeah i got thirsty so i had a little bit of it


Edgar: But its all gone...


Celes: Yeah,i chucked the rest out the window cause i hate you


Edgar: Right.....hey!


Vincent: Ahh,i just know i wont be able to answer a thing!


Celes: Not to worry,ive done my revision!


pulls out a big book and plonks it on the table


Locke picks the book up


Locke: "The shinra news book of facts-did you know?"


Vincent: Ooh,do you think thats where they get the questions from?


Celes: Probably...test me!


Vincent: worlds stickiest bogey was produced by?


Celes: Toxteth 'o grady,costa del sol


Vincent: Hey,he's right!..who has the worlds greenest hair?


Celes: er...Terra bradford,narshe


Edgar: Worlds stupidest bottom-burp?-celes,vector


Vincent: It says edgar here actually...


Edgar: WHAT??


Celes: Heh,i knew that


Vincent: Yeah! now were sure to win!


Celes: Yeah,now im off to stuff loads of paper down the toilet!


Locke (to camera): Ive often wondered who did that


Scene near a door


Celes (reading sign): "Do not stick head out the window"...why?


Looks out,the train goes past a metal pole and her head gets chopped off,celes's body falls down and hits a vending machine, elbowing the "Pheonix down" button, it comes out and spills on her body and brings it back to life. The body then pulls the emergency cord and the train stops


Edgar: Oh what now?


Locke: Somebody mustve stopped the train


Edgar: Well it wasnt me,if shinra railways want 500 gil they can blimmin well go out and become a prostitute,which they virtually are,come to think of it (turns to camera) Eh commuters?


Vincent: Ahh, we'll never get there now..


Locke: Dont worry vinny, Chrono's a personal friend..i introduced him to yuji shabita..


Edgar: COME ON! COME ON! GET THIS THING MOVING!...ooh,i dont know,they'll tell us were being held up by mexican bandits or something...


At the front a mexican bandit is holding up the train


Driver: I never wanted to be a train driver really,back at school they said if i got 3 'O' levels i could be the chairman of shinra steel.They only ever give that to people that go to public schools,the only thing you get from public schools is high-paying jobs and a fascination with perverse sexual practises...


The bandit is not impressed


Driver: No wonder Shinra management is so crap, right, the moment they get in the boardroom theyre all slamming each other's dicks in the door! "ooh yes!, give it another slam, sir michael!, want to play 'the panzer commander and the milkmaid'?"


Celes's body is walking down the track,her head is laying on the lineside


Celes's head: Its about time you got here,you bastard!


Her body starts kicking her head down the track


Back at where the driver is still being held up


Driver: Thats a zapata mustache innit? funny,he started out as a revolutinary and ended up as a mustace,like che guevrara ended up as a sort of boutiqe..,and garibaldi ended up as a sort of biscuit...lots of revolutionaries have ended up as busicits,theres your garibaldi's,your bourbons and your tescos trotsky assortment...


The bandit is looking very confused


Driver (Sings): Revolutinary biscuits of wuati/rise up out of your box/you have noting to lose but your wafers/yum yum yum yum yum


Shot of a roller leaving vector college,inside are rufus,hojo,kefka and scarlet


All four: rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks! ha ha ha!


Hojo: You know its a rotten shame, i went to see the careers officer in big college and he said all he's got left was chairman of Shinra steel..pah, i wanted to be director general of the SBC


Kefka: Yes, they gave it to skapper just cause he directed our world tour of "Final fantasy 4" and wrote the hilarious revue "What ho, ancient?"


They all start laughing at that remark


Hojo: Bah, chairman of a nationalised industry? i'd rather be a cabinet minister!


Rufus: Well im alright cause daddy bought me the Avalanche party for my birthday


They all laugh poshly again


Scarlet: At least were going to smash the oiks at finalfantasy challenge


Kefka: We've just got time before my balls drop!


All four: Rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks!


The roller drives past the four characters hitch-hiking, they all have thier thumbs out, apart from celes who has her middle finger out


Edgar: Bah, it must be 200 miles to Midgar, and i bet we have to walk the whole bloody way!


Vincent: We're gonna be really late


Locke: I told you, chrono's a personal friend, i helped him get the Makocham commercials


Vincent: Wow, do you think they really make it from Mako?


Edgar: Oh shut up you, if Celes hadnt pulled the communication chord that man would never have thrown us off the train


Locke: Edgar,We got thrown off the train cause you told him Shinra Railways was an anagram for "Total and utter bastard"


Vincent: Which it isnt..even


Edgar: Oh shut up vincent, if you hadnt been born we wouldnt be in this mess, cause there'd only be 3 of us, and 3 isnt enough to go on finalfantasy challenge, so its your fault!


Vincent: well were still gonna be late


Locke: Not to worry, im the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!


The four walk into the SBC reception area


Locke: Told you so


Locke (to the gaurd): Evening officer, scumbag college, finalfantasy challenge


SBC gaurd: Hang where supposed to be here 2 weeks ago


Vincent: Yeah, we had to walk the last 200 miles


Locke: We did phone ahead though...didnt we? vincent, you did phone?


SBC gaurd: Yeah, we did get a message.. "beep beep beep, oh no heavy, beep beep beep, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, i wish everyone lived a pastoral existance, and there was no machinery, trees and flowers dont try and cool you out and go beep in your ear"


Vincent: Yeah, that was the one


SBC guard: we got that on the 24th..hang on!


He points to a pig celes is carrying


SBC Gaurd: You cant bring that in 'ere!


Celes: Why not, its my mascot


SBC Gaurd: A pig?


Celes: Its actually a ferret, its just a deformed ferret that looks in a little way like a pig


SBC Gaurd: It looks exactly like a pig


Celes: Yes it has been remarked upon, just as john merrick is known as the elephant man, bacon sandwich is known as the pig ferret


SBC Gaurd: Bacon sandwich? thats an odd name for a ferret


Celes: Hah! thats where i had you fooled! because its not a ferret, its a pig!


Locke: Heh, you got him there celes


Edgar: Have you had enough nazi, or do you want some more?


He sticks two fingers up at the gaurd


Chrono comes along


Chrono: Ah, scumbag college, at last!


Locke: Chrono chrono, me main man! how ya been all these years? still travelling through time?


Vincent is crying


Edgar: Vincent, whats wrong


Vincent: Im sorry everyone, sorry chrono, im just, like, remembering that bit where you started to fall in love with marle...


Celes: I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the prostitute's face!


Vincent: That wasnt in chrono trigger, celes


Celes: It was in the sequel, vincent, "Chrono goes crazy ape bonkers with a drill and set"


Vincent (shocked): Did you do it, chrono? did you do a squaresoft nasty?


Chrono: So what if i did? im not apologising, after chrono trigger my life collapsed, when the porn RPG came along i thought "heres my chance to get something back"..thanks to locke here i got the makocham commercials..but if it hadnt been for the chance to host final fantasy challenge i'd be living on the streets by now


Celes: So, ya gonna let us win then?


Chrono: No, the posh kids always do, come on...


In the Finalfantasy challenge studio, Celes, Edgar, Vincent and Locke are sitting on the top row, Rufus, Scarlet, Kefka and Hojo are sitting on the bottom row, the theme music is playing and the top 4 are dancing stupidly


Chrono: Hello and welcome to another episode of finalfantasy challenge, i'm Chrono and today we have Scumbag college against Vector imperial academy


Crowd: Rah rah rah!, we're going to smash the oiks!


Chrono: Thats the sprit, representing scumbag college we have Celes..


Celes sticks her middle fingers up at the camera


Chrono: Edgar


Edgar: Hi there


Chrono: Vincent


Vincent: Vegetable rights and peace


Chrono: And locke


Locke: Evenin'


Chrono: And representing Vector we have Rufus


Rufus: Sieg hiel!


Chrono: Scarlet


Scarlet: heehee!


Chrono: Kefka


Kefka: Hello there


Chrono: And hojo


Hojo: ooarr!


Chrono: Okay, your starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers, Born of moblizian stock, he


Vincent buzzes in


Announcer: Scumbag Vincent


Vincent: Er yeah, can i go to the toilet?


Chrono: Er, youre barking up the wrong tree there, anyone want to buzz from vector?


Hojo buzzes in


Announcer: Vector Hojo


Hojo: Um..wasnt it...Monk d'wally d'honque?


Chrono: Can you give me any more?


Hojo: Will 1000 gil do?


Chrono: Yes, so Vector leads with 10 points but its early days yet, and here are your bonus...


Vincent buzzes again


Vincent: really need to go


Chrono: Sorry...Next question, In 11..


Kefka buzzes in


Kefka: The battle of albrook!


Chrono: Well thats very well anticipated there, 5 points to vector, now, in 1313 this tower was erected to act as a lookout post against invaders from the kingdom of doma


Scarlet buzzes in


Scarlet: Ive got a porsche! heehee!


Chrono: Well thats not quite it, but i can give you that, making vector lead by 20 points


Scarlet: Daddy will send the cheque tomorrow! heehee!


Chrono: Ok vector, your last bonus question, Who is the richest person in the world?


Celes accidentally buzzes in while dis-assembling the microphone


Announcer: Scumbag Celes


Celes: What?


Rufus buzzes in


Rufus: Er, isnt it my dad?


Chrono: No, sorry, he was brutally murdered a few minutes ago, so its you.


Rufus: Really? oh fiddle!


The returners all huddle round


Edgar: This is useless, we're getting utterly thrashed!, there must be some way we can cheat


Vincent: Guys, its starting to seep out, i'll just have to wee on kefka's head


Locke: Its very simple, Vince, Use the jug


He empties the water in the jug on kefka, then drops it on him. Kefka just looks to the side like nothing happened


Chrono: Ok, your new starter question for 10 points, no conferring


Celes buzzes in


Celes: I've just about had enough of this!


She kicks a hole in the floor, and accidentally boots Rufus in the process


Celes: Give us some easy ones, you bastard!


Locke: You get 'em, Celes


She pulls out a german stick grenade


Celes: Actung!


She throws it down


Scarlet: Its not an automatic...


BOOM!, bits of the vector team are laying everywhere


Locke: Ok chrono, fire away!


Chrono: ...right, er, Who produced the worlds stickiest bogey?


Locke buzzes in


Locke: Toxteth 'o grady, Costa del sol


Celes: I told you that, you bloody cheat!


Chrono: Correct, Who has the world's greenest hair?


Locke: Terra bradford, Narshe


Celes: You bastard!


Chrono: Right, Who made the world's stupidest bottom-burp?


Vincent buzzes in


Vincent: Ooh ooh!, Edgar, Figaro kingdom


Edgar: It was not!


Chrono: And your last question to take you into the lead..


He reads halfway along the next one and looks suspicous


Chrono: Who's been tampering with my question cards?


Edgar buzzes in


Edgar: Ooh! ooh!, it was me!..damn damn!


The crowd starts booing them and throwing objects, then a gigantic cream bun falls on them, Dr carlisle picks it up


Dr carlisle: Och, now its covered with human beings the size of bacteria, Here ya go jumbo, get this through yer oesophagus


He feeds it to the elephant


The credits start to come up as the end music plays


Cyberdemon: Well i think an invasion of earth could have a deadening effect on the post-satan ecomony of the hell realm, and i would advise caution until at least the middle of the next fiscal year before you want to get onto the property ladder, in the meantime you could rent a dank cave overlooking the river styx...


Baron of hell: Well i hadnt really considered the red fireballs to be much of an improvement over the green ones in the past, though obviously that is something i'd have to look into, i dont suppose you have a twisted sculpture of flesh which could explain the differences?


Imp: Its amazing what you find on earth, i found this thing in some human's flat


He holds up a vibrator


Imp: I dunno what it could be used for, the flat certinaly looked like some of the places down here..but we dont have any of these, maybe we should start making them...