THE CHOSEN ONES-EPISODE 1: CHRONO

 

Edgar,locke and celes are sitting round a table,the phone is ringing in the background, edgar is blabbling on about something

 

Edgar: ...Which if you ask me is completley stupid!, so anyway,tifa decided

 

Celes: Hold on...who's tifa?

 

Edgar: What?

 

Celes: Who is tifa?

 

Edgar: Ive been talking about her for the last 10 minutes!

 

Celes: You have?

 

Edgar: Yes! its this story,and its bloody funny,so pay attention..

 

Scene of vincent running down a street

 

Back to table scene

 

Edgar: and then she...

 

Locke: Whos getting married?

 

Edgar: Wha...nobodies getting married!

 

Locke: ...oh

 

Edgar: ...So tifa goes to the party anyway...

 

Locke: Are we invited?

 

Edgar: To what?

 

Locke: The wedding party

 

Edgar: This isnt real! its a story about tifa!!

 

Locke: Who's tifa?

 

Another scene of vincent,he turns a corner and trips over a bin,a BFG 9000 falls out,he picks it up,throws it over his shoulder and carries on running

 

Edgar: ..You know,the girl that used to run the sector 7 bar?

 

Celes: OH! The one with the enormous tits!

 

Edgar: Theyre not that bi-...celes,would you stop being such a sex maniac?

 

Celes: You can talk,mister 'girl bait'

 

Edgar: That...that was a long time ago

 

Celes: It was last tuesday!

 

Edgar: Just...shut up,shut up! i dont know why i bother sometimes...

 

Celes: I dont know why you bother ever

 

Vincent bursts through the door

 

Vincent: Hey! i got something really important to tell you!

 

Locke: Answer the phone vincent

 

Vincent: What?

 

Edgar: The phone, answer it

 

Vincent goes to answer it, but it stops ringing

 

Vincent: Oh bugger it, anyway, never mind

 

Edgar: Never mind? NEVER MIND? That could have been really important!, but now we'll never know who it was!

 

Vincent: We could use 1471

 

Locke: No we cant

 

Vincent: Eh?...why not?

 

Locke: It's 1982

 

Vincent: Oh yeah

 

Edgar: 1982?..That means i last changed my clothes...19 years in the future

 

Celes: I was wondering what the smell was

 

Edgar: Hey!

 

Locke: Hmm,yeah..maybe we should go to the lanudry

 

Celes: Yeh,i didnt change once during final fantasy 6!,maybe we should

 

Edgar: What about all those times we had hot steamy se-

 

Celes: MAYBE we should go

 

Edgar: hmpf,well...you did change your socks in the game

 

Celes: Thats only cause the other ones tried to kill me

 

They all hear a strange noise,and look one way..something rushes past behind them

 

Vincent: Wow..that was scaaaarry

 

Suddenly a sock jumps at him,knocks him down and runs off

 

Celes: Oh god! its that killer sock!,quick,arm yourselves!

 

Vincent: Wow, isnt it funny that it attacked us just as we where talking about it

 

They go upstairs-Locke and Celes walk into a room and find some bars round the door

 

Locke: Edgar!

 

Edgar (from outside): Im not going in there!

 

Locke: We need the keys to this thing!

 

Edgar: Theyre on the hook

 

Locke (looks at the hook,theres nothing on it): No theyre not

 

Edgar: Then the sock must have them!

 

Locke points a shotgun trough the bars

 

Locke: Alright sock,theres no way out! give it up and we promise to let you free

 

Sock (From hiding place): Bollocks!

 

Locke: Right,plan B...

 

Vincent busts in with a HUGE gun

 

Locke: What the fucks that?

 

Vincent: Its me BFG 9000

 

Locke: Jeez..couldnt you have brought something a bit more practical

 

Celes suddenly cries out in pain

 

Celes: AAAHH!..I been shot!

 

Scene of the sock holding a small BB gun

 

Sock: Ya feeling lucky punk?

 

Back to the cage

 

Locke: Lets see...

 

Vincent: AAAHH!,I been shot!

 

Locke: Well shoot it back

 

Vincent puts on some thick sunglasses and fires the BFG 9000,theres a huge flash of light as it goes off and a really loud POW! as it hits

 

Vincent takes off the glasses,the other two are stunned...celes grabs at the air then grabs vincents collar

 

Celes: If you EVER fire that gun again your a dead man!!

 

Vincent: What? i got the sock didnt i?

 

Scene of the room,most of the opposite wall has been blown away and a city skyline can be seen through the hole

 

Locke: Okay okay,the sock situation is dealt with...but we really do need to go to the laundry

 

Celes: We cant

 

Locke: Why not

 

Celes (Guesturing through the hole): Its midnight

 

Locke: Alright then,tomorrow

 

Cuts to a scene of a victorian science lab,a scientist called dr carlisle is looking though a microscope

 

Dr carlisle: Incredible! final fantasy characters the size of bacteria re enacting a hilarious 80's TV show!

 

Dr not the nine o clock news: Im going to perform an experiment which involves placing a cream bun on the edge of this box,is that okay?

 

Dr carlisle: Yes yes,anythings better than that time you showed me the elephant man that turned out to be a real elephant

 

Elephant: I tried to tell him myself...but nooooo!

 

Back to the house,the 4 characters run downstairs-but are all wearing the wrong clothes-Celes is in vincents jacket and black trousers,edgar is in locke's blue jacket,white vest and black trousers,Vincent is in edgars blue top and jeans and locke is in celes's bright green bathing suit thingy

 

Celes: Ahh,i feel really strange today

 

Locke: Yeah,i just dont feel myself

 

Edgar: Are we gonna go or what?

 

Vincent: Yeah,ive got the teleport materia right here

 

Vincent casts the teleport spell,they appear back in thier proper clothes,but in hell

 

Vincent: Bugger

 

View goes across to where two cyberdemons are playing chess,one has small versions of the doom monsters as his peices,the other has stuff like planes and tanks of the U.S space marines as his

 

Cyber 1: My jet fighter takes your cacodemon

 

Cyber 2: oh bother

 

Cyber 1: Uh-oh...ive buggered up

 

Cyber 2: I move my icon of sin to here,hah,check mate

 

Cyber 1: Isnt it ETAM KCEHC!!! ?

 

Cyber 2: Hehe,you do a great impression of that icon of sin...that guys really stupid though-he only has that spawner thingy-and talk about overweight

 

Cyber 1 is shocked

 

Cyber 2: He's behind me isnt he?

 

Icon of sin: !DESUMA YREV TNSI EH DNA,SEY

 

Icon of sin fires a spawner into cyber 2,causing the imp that appears to telefrag him

 

Back to earth,outside the laundry,the 4 characters appear out of the air

 

Vincent: Thats better

 

They go inside with the laundry bag,people run out gagging

 

Inside-they go to a machine

 

Locke: Right,first,fill machine...

 

All the machines slam thier doors shut

 

Washing machine: Piss off!

 

Celes: Dammit!

 

Vincent: ahh no! technofear!

 

Celes: Dont worry,ive talked to lots of machines before

 

Edgar (to camera): Yeah,she used to ring up shinra tech support a lot

 

Celes (loudly): OOH! LOOK WHAT IVE GOT,ALL OF SCARLET'S UNDERWEAR, AND IT NEEDS A GOOOOD WASH!

 

One machine opens up

 

Celes: NOW!!!!

 

They all hold open the door and stuff the clothes in,then hold it shut while locke stands back and reads the instructions, the machine makes gagging noises and starts to shake

 

Locke: Okay,add the powder...well what kind of powder??

 

Celes is unscrewing the top of a pipe bomb

 

Celes: Gunpowder

 

Vincent: I think it means washing powder

 

Locke: Okay

 

goes over to washing powder dispenser,smashes it open with his elbow and steals a box

 

Locke (Pours it in the tray): Right,thats the powder,Now..do we require conditioner

 

Vincent: No,thats just for people doing thier hair

 

Locke: Right..insert 10 gil

 

Everything stops

 

Goes back to them sitting round the table in the house

 

Celes: Its not like this neeeeds cleaning anyway,i wont even buy it for 18 years

 

Edgar: How did we get back into 1982 anyway?

 

A "The end" scene from an old western pops up for half a microsecond

 

Locke: Vincent botched the teleport spell

 

Edgar: ahh

 

Vincent: Its not my fault, yuffie buggered up all my materia

 

Locke: Ah yeah, Yuffie, i remember her..i wanted to get her into bed

 

Edgar: Thats not exactly a challenge...

 

Vincent: ......AAAAHH!...Thats what i needed to tell you!!!

 

Locke: What

 

Vincent: We've been picked to go on finalfantasy challenge, Tonight!

 

Celes: Oh god....TO THE STATION!

 

Locke: Music!

 

Motorhead appears playing "Ace of spades"-with various scenes of the 4 in the station

 

They run through the station car park

 

All 4 run under a big sign saying "NO ENTRY", as gaurds lazily try to stop them by sticking thier arms out

 

Scene of edgar running past a newspaper thing,he steals a paper but then pays for it anyway

 

Locke walks out of a shop with a drink

 

Celes runs past the newspaper thing,stuffs an entire bun in her mouth,including the wrapper,then gives the woman two fingers and runs off

 

Vincent is waiting for a photo

 

Locke looks at his watch and spills the drink

 

The song ends as they all jump on the train as its leaving

 

On the train-vincent and edgar are sitting round a table,vincent is reading from one of a huge load of books and papers

 

Vincent: Gah,its gonna be really hard,i wont be able to answer anything

 

Edgar: Well i dont care,youre there swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo,and i havent dont one bit of work! (Picks up book) go on! test me!

 

Vincent: I thought you just said...

 

Edgar: Just test me! do it properly and dont skip bits

 

Vincent: Okay (reading from book) "Hi edgar wanna meet up later so i can suck on your-"

 

Edgar: Not THAT bit!

 

Vincent: Ahh,okay.."Crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after"

 

Edgar: ahh...crop rotation in the 17th century was remarkably more widesp-

 

Vincent: Considerably

 

Edgar: What

 

Vincent: Its considerably

 

Edgar: Well thats not important

 

Vincent: You said to do it properly

 

Edgar: Well not THAT properly..

 

Vincent: Ah..ok

 

Edgar: Right....Crop rotation in the 17th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread after....ooh,i know this-dont tell me-.......1172

 

Vincent: ...

 

Edgar: Well? am i right?

 

Vincent: You just said not to tell you

 

Edgar: Well only for a minute!

 

Vincent: A minute from now or a minute from then

 

Edgar: Grah! just tell me the answer

 

Vincent: John

 

Edgar: what? crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after john?

 

Vincent: ...llyod invented the patent crop rotator

 

Edgar: HAH! i knew it!

 

Vincent: No you didnt,you said 1172,that doesnt sound a bit like john

 

Edgar: Look,never mind..you swot! youve done loads of work for this havent you..loads and loads and loads and loads....

 

Vincent: Calm down,its only finalfantasy challenge!

 

Locke and celes come along

 

Celes (hands edgar a paper cup): Here you are,that'll be a fiver

 

Edgar: Its empty

 

Celes: Yeah i got thirsty so i had a little bit of it

 

Edgar: But its all gone...

 

Celes: Yeah,i chucked the rest out the window cause i hate you

 

Edgar: Right.....hey!

 

Vincent: Ahh,i just know i wont be able to answer a thing!

 

Celes: Not to worry,ive done my revision!

 

pulls out a big book and plonks it on the table

 

Locke picks the book up

 

Locke: "The shinra news book of facts-did you know?"

 

Vincent: Ooh,do you think thats where they get the questions from?

 

Celes: Probably...test me!

 

Vincent: Right..er...the worlds stickiest bogey was produced by?

 

Celes: Toxteth 'o grady,costa del sol

 

Vincent: Hey,he's right!..who has the worlds greenest hair?

 

Celes: er...Terra bradford,narshe

 

Edgar: Worlds stupidest bottom-burp?-celes,vector

 

Vincent: It says edgar here actually...

 

Edgar: WHAT??

 

Celes: Heh,i knew that

 

Vincent: Yeah! now were sure to win!

 

Celes: Yeah,now im off to stuff loads of paper down the toilet!

 

Locke (to camera): Ive often wondered who did that

 

Scene near a door

 

Celes (reading sign): "Do not stick head out the window"...why?

 

Looks out,the train goes past a metal pole and her head gets chopped off,celes's body falls down and hits a vending machine, elbowing the "Pheonix down" button, it comes out and spills on her body and brings it back to life. The body then pulls the emergency cord and the train stops

 

Edgar: Oh what now?

 

Locke: Somebody mustve stopped the train

 

Edgar: Well it wasnt me,if shinra railways want 500 gil they can blimmin well go out and become a prostitute,which they virtually are,come to think of it (turns to camera) Eh commuters?

 

Vincent: Ahh, we'll never get there now..

 

Locke: Dont worry vinny, Chrono's a personal friend..i introduced him to yuji shabita..

 

Edgar: COME ON! COME ON! GET THIS THING MOVING!...ooh,i dont know,they'll tell us were being held up by mexican bandits or something...

 

At the front a mexican bandit is holding up the train

 

Driver: I never wanted to be a train driver really,back at school they said if i got 3 'O' levels i could be the chairman of shinra steel.They only ever give that to people that go to public schools anyway...like,the only thing you get from public schools is high-paying jobs and a fascination with perverse sexual practises...

 

The bandit is not impressed

 

Driver: No wonder Shinra management is so crap, right, the moment they get in the boardroom theyre all slamming each other's dicks in the door! "ooh yes!, give it another slam, sir michael!, want to play 'the panzer commander and the milkmaid'?"

 

Celes's body is walking down the track,her head is laying on the lineside

 

Celes's head: Its about time you got here,you bastard!

 

Her body starts kicking her head down the track

 

Back at where the driver is still being held up

 

Driver: Thats a zapata mustache innit? funny,he started out as a revolutinary and ended up as a mustace,like che guevrara ended up as a sort of boutiqe..,and garibaldi ended up as a sort of biscuit...lots of revolutionaries have ended up as busicits,theres your garibaldi's,your bourbons and your tescos trotsky assortment...

 

The bandit is looking very confused

 

Driver (Sings): Revolutinary biscuits of wuati/rise up out of your box/you have noting to lose but your wafers/yum yum yum yum yum

 

Shot of a roller leaving vector college,inside are rufus,hojo,kefka and scarlet

 

All four: rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks! ha ha ha!

 

Hojo: You know its a rotten shame, i went to see the careers officer in big college and he said all he's got left was chairman of Shinra steel..pah, i wanted to be director general of the SBC

 

Kefka: Yes, they gave it to skapper just cause he directed our world tour of "Final fantasy 4" and wrote the hilarious revue "What ho, ancient?"

 

They all start laughing at that remark

 

Hojo: Bah, chairman of a nationalised industry? i'd rather be a cabinet minister!

 

Rufus: Well im alright cause daddy bought me the Avalanche party for my birthday

 

They all laugh poshly again

 

Scarlet: At least were going to smash the oiks at finalfantasy challenge

 

Kefka: We've just got time before my balls drop!

 

All four: Rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks!

 

The roller drives past the four characters hitch-hiking, they all have thier thumbs out, apart from celes who has her middle finger out

 

Edgar: Bah, it must be 200 miles to Midgar, and i bet we have to walk the whole bloody way!

 

Vincent: We're gonna be really late

 

Locke: I told you, chrono's a personal friend, i helped him get the Makocham commercials

 

Vincent: Wow, do you think they really make it from Mako?

 

Edgar: Oh shut up you, if Celes hadnt pulled the communication chord that man would never have thrown us off the train

 

Locke: Edgar,We got thrown off the train cause you told him Shinra Railways was an anagram for "Total and utter bastard"

 

Vincent: Which it isnt..even

 

Edgar: Oh shut up vincent, if you hadnt been born we wouldnt be in this mess, cause there'd only be 3 of us, and 3 isnt enough to go on finalfantasy challenge, so its your fault!

 

Vincent: well were still gonna be late

 

Locke: Not to worry, im the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!

 

The four walk into the SBC reception area

 

Locke: Told you so

 

Locke (to the gaurd): Evening officer, scumbag college, finalfantasy challenge

 

SBC gaurd: Hang on..you where supposed to be here 2 weeks ago

 

Vincent: Yeah, we had to walk the last 200 miles

 

Locke: We did phone ahead though...didnt we? vincent, you did phone?

 

SBC gaurd: Yeah, we did get a message.. "beep beep beep, oh no heavy, beep beep beep, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, i wish everyone lived a pastoral existance, and there was no machinery, trees and flowers dont try and cool you out and go beep in your ear"

 

Vincent: Yeah, that was the one

 

SBC guard: we got that on the 24th..hang on!

 

He points to a pig celes is carrying

 

SBC Gaurd: You cant bring that in 'ere!

 

Celes: Why not, its my mascot

 

SBC Gaurd: A pig?

 

Celes: Its actually a ferret, its just a deformed ferret that looks in a little way like a pig

 

SBC Gaurd: It looks exactly like a pig

 

Celes: Yes it has been remarked upon, just as john merrick is known as the elephant man, bacon sandwich is known as the pig ferret

 

SBC Gaurd: Bacon sandwich? thats an odd name for a ferret

 

Celes: Hah! thats where i had you fooled! because its not a ferret, its a pig!

 

Locke: Heh, you got him there celes

 

Edgar: Have you had enough nazi, or do you want some more?

 

He sticks two fingers up at the gaurd

 

Chrono comes along

 

Chrono: Ah, scumbag college, at last!

 

Locke: Chrono chrono, me main man! how ya been all these years? still travelling through time?

 

Vincent is crying

 

Edgar: Vincent, whats wrong

 

Vincent: Im sorry everyone, sorry chrono, im just, like, remembering that bit where you started to fall in love with marle...

 

Celes: I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the prostitute's face!

 

Vincent: That wasnt in chrono trigger, celes

 

Celes: It was in the sequel, vincent, "Chrono goes crazy ape bonkers with a drill and set"

 

Vincent (shocked): Did you do it, chrono? did you do a squaresoft nasty?

 

Chrono: So what if i did? im not apologising, after chrono trigger my life collapsed, when the porn RPG came along i thought "heres my chance to get something back"..thanks to locke here i got the makocham commercials..but if it hadnt been for the chance to host final fantasy challenge i'd be living on the streets by now

 

Celes: So, ya gonna let us win then?

 

Chrono: No, the posh kids always do, come on...

 

In the Finalfantasy challenge studio, Celes, Edgar, Vincent and Locke are sitting on the top row, Rufus, Scarlet, Kefka and Hojo are sitting on the bottom row, the theme music is playing and the top 4 are dancing stupidly

 

Chrono: Hello and welcome to another episode of finalfantasy challenge, i'm Chrono and today we have Scumbag college against Vector imperial academy

 

Crowd: Rah rah rah!, we're going to smash the oiks!

 

Chrono: Thats the sprit, representing scumbag college we have Celes..

 

Celes sticks her middle fingers up at the camera

 

Chrono: Edgar

 

Edgar: Hi there

 

Chrono: Vincent

 

Vincent: Vegetable rights and peace

 

Chrono: And locke

 

Locke: Evenin'

 

Chrono: And representing Vector we have Rufus

 

Rufus: Sieg hiel!

 

Chrono: Scarlet

 

Scarlet: heehee!

 

Chrono: Kefka

 

Kefka: Hello there

 

Chrono: And hojo

 

Hojo: ooarr!

 

Chrono: Okay, your starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers, Born of moblizian stock, he

 

Vincent buzzes in

 

Announcer: Scumbag Vincent

 

Vincent: Er yeah, can i go to the toilet?

 

Chrono: Er, youre barking up the wrong tree there, anyone want to buzz from vector?

 

Hojo buzzes in

 

Announcer: Vector Hojo

 

Hojo: Um..wasnt it...Monk d'wally d'honque?

 

Chrono: Can you give me any more?

 

Hojo: Will 1000 gil do?

 

Chrono: Yes, so Vector leads with 10 points but its early days yet, and here are your bonus...

 

Vincent buzzes again

 

Vincent: er..yeah..buzz..i really need to go

 

Chrono: Sorry...Next question, In 11..

 

Kefka buzzes in

 

Kefka: The battle of albrook!

 

Chrono: Well thats very well anticipated there, 5 points to vector, now, in 1313 this tower was erected to act as a lookout post against invaders from the kingdom of doma

 

Scarlet buzzes in

 

Scarlet: Ive got a porsche! heehee!

 

Chrono: Well thats not quite it, but i can give you that, making vector lead by 20 points

 

Scarlet: Daddy will send the cheque tomorrow! heehee!

 

Chrono: Ok vector, your last bonus question, Who is the richest person in the world?

 

Celes accidentally buzzes in while dis-assembling the microphone

 

Announcer: Scumbag Celes

 

Celes: What?

 

Rufus buzzes in

 

Rufus: Er, isnt it my dad?

 

Chrono: No, sorry, he was brutally murdered a few minutes ago, so its you.

 

Rufus: Really? oh fiddle!

 

The returners all huddle round

 

Edgar: This is useless, we're getting utterly thrashed!, there must be some way we can cheat

 

Vincent: Guys, its starting to seep out, i'll just have to wee on kefka's head

 

Locke: Its very simple, Vince, Use the jug

 

He empties the water in the jug on kefka, then drops it on him. Kefka just looks to the side like nothing happened

 

Chrono: Ok, your new starter question for 10 points, no conferring

 

Celes buzzes in

 

Celes: I've just about had enough of this!

 

She kicks a hole in the floor, and accidentally boots Rufus in the process

 

Celes: Give us some easy ones, you bastard!

 

Locke: You get 'em, Celes

 

She pulls out a german stick grenade

 

Celes: Actung!

 

She throws it down

 

Scarlet: Its not an automatic...

 

BOOM!, bits of the vector team are laying everywhere

 

Locke: Ok chrono, fire away!

 

Chrono: ...right, er, Who produced the worlds stickiest bogey?

 

Locke buzzes in

 

Locke: Toxteth 'o grady, Costa del sol

 

Celes: I told you that, you bloody cheat!

 

Chrono: Correct, Who has the world's greenest hair?

 

Locke: Terra bradford, Narshe

 

Celes: You bastard!

 

Chrono: Right, Who made the world's stupidest bottom-burp?

 

Vincent buzzes in

 

Vincent: Ooh ooh!, Edgar, Figaro kingdom

 

Edgar: It was not!

 

Chrono: And your last question to take you into the lead..

 

He reads halfway along the next one and looks suspicous

 

Chrono: Who's been tampering with my question cards?

 

Edgar buzzes in

 

Edgar: Ooh! ooh!, it was me!..damn damn!

 

The crowd starts booing them and throwing objects, then a gigantic cream bun falls on them, Dr carlisle picks it up

 

Dr carlisle: Och, now its covered with human beings the size of bacteria, Here ya go jumbo, get this through yer oesophagus

 

He feeds it to the elephant

 

The credits start to come up as the end music plays

 

Cyberdemon: Well i think an invasion of earth could have a deadening effect on the post-satan ecomony of the hell realm, and i would advise caution until at least the middle of the next fiscal year before you want to get onto the property ladder, in the meantime you could rent a dank cave overlooking the river styx...

 

Baron of hell: Well i hadnt really considered the red fireballs to be much of an improvement over the green ones in the past, though obviously that is something i'd have to look into, i dont suppose you have a twisted sculpture of flesh which could explain the differences?

 

Imp: Its amazing what you find on earth, i found this thing in some human's flat

 

He holds up a vibrator

 

Imp: I dunno what it could be used for, the flat certinaly looked like some of the places down here..but we dont have any of these, maybe we should start making them...

 

Icon of sin: !GNIHCTAW ROF SKNAHT