Edgar,locke and celes are sitting round a table,the phone is ringing in the background, edgar is blabbling on about something
Edgar: ...Which if you ask me is completley stupid!, so anyway,tifa decided
Celes: Hold on...who's tifa?
Celes: Who is tifa?
Edgar: Ive been talking about her for the last 10 minutes!
Celes: You have?
Edgar: Yes! its this story,and its bloody funny,so pay attention..
Scene of vincent running down a street
Back to table scene
Edgar: and then she...
Locke: Whos getting married?
Edgar: Wha...nobodies getting married!
Edgar: ...So tifa goes to the party anyway...
Locke: Are we invited?
Edgar: To what?
Locke: The wedding party
Edgar: This isnt real! its a story about tifa!!
Locke: Who's tifa?
Another scene of vincent,he turns a corner and trips over a bin,a BFG 9000 falls out,he picks it up,throws it over his shoulder and carries on running
Edgar: ..You know,the girl that used to run the sector 7 bar?
Celes: OH! The one with the enormous tits!
Edgar: Theyre not that bi-...celes,would you stop being such a sex maniac?
Celes: You can talk,mister 'girl bait'
Edgar: That...that was a long time ago
Celes: It was last tuesday!
Edgar: Just...shut up,shut up! i dont know why i bother sometimes...
Celes: I dont know why you bother ever
Vincent bursts through the door
Vincent: Hey! i got something really important to tell you!
Locke: Answer the phone vincent
Edgar: The phone, answer it
Vincent goes to answer it, but it stops ringing
Vincent: Oh bugger it, anyway, never mind
Edgar: Never mind? NEVER MIND? That could have been really important!, but now we'll never know who it was!
Vincent: We could use 1471
Locke: No we cant
Vincent: Eh?...why not?
Locke: It's 1982
Vincent: Oh yeah
Edgar: 1982?..That means i last changed my clothes...19 years in the future
Celes: I was wondering what the smell was
Locke: Hmm,yeah..maybe we should go to the lanudry
Celes: Yeh,i didnt change once during final fantasy 6!,maybe we should
Edgar: What about all those times we had hot steamy se-
Celes: MAYBE we should go
Edgar: hmpf,well...you did change your socks in the game
Celes: Thats only cause the other ones tried to kill me
They all hear a strange noise,and look one way..something rushes past behind them
Vincent: Wow..that was scaaaarry
Suddenly a sock jumps at him,knocks him down and runs off
Celes: Oh god! its that killer sock!,quick,arm yourselves!
Vincent: Wow, isnt it funny that it attacked us just as we where talking about it
They go upstairs-Locke and Celes walk into a room and find some bars round the door
Edgar (from outside): Im not going in there!
Locke: We need the keys to this thing!
Edgar: Theyre on the hook
Locke (looks at the hook,theres nothing on it): No theyre not
Edgar: Then the sock must have them!
Locke points a shotgun trough the bars
Locke: Alright sock,theres no way out! give it up and we promise to let you free
Sock (From hiding place): Bollocks!
Locke: Right,plan B...
Vincent busts in with a HUGE gun
Locke: What the fucks that?
Vincent: Its me BFG 9000
Locke: Jeez..couldnt you have brought something a bit more practical
Celes suddenly cries out in pain
Celes: AAAHH!..I been shot!
Scene of the sock holding a small BB gun
Sock: Ya feeling lucky punk?
Back to the cage
Locke: Lets see...
Vincent: AAAHH!,I been shot!
Locke: Well shoot it back
Vincent puts on some thick sunglasses and fires the BFG 9000,theres a huge flash of light as it goes off and a really loud POW! as it hits
Vincent takes off the glasses,the other two are stunned...celes grabs at the air then grabs vincents collar
Celes: If you EVER fire that gun again your a dead man!!
Vincent: What? i got the sock didnt i?
Scene of the room,most of the opposite wall has been blown away and a city skyline can be seen through the hole
Locke: Okay okay,the sock situation is dealt with...but we really do need to go to the laundry
Celes: We cant
Locke: Why not
Celes (Guesturing through the hole): Its midnight
Locke: Alright then,tomorrow
Cuts to a scene of a victorian science lab,a scientist called dr carlisle is looking though a microscope
Dr carlisle: Incredible! final fantasy characters the size of bacteria re enacting a hilarious 80's TV show!
Dr not the nine o clock news: Im going to perform an experiment which involves placing a cream bun on the edge of this box,is that okay?
Dr carlisle: Yes yes,anythings better than that time you showed me the elephant man that turned out to be a real elephant
Elephant: I tried to tell him myself...but nooooo!
Back to the house,the 4 characters run downstairs-but are all wearing the wrong clothes-Celes is in vincents jacket and black trousers,edgar is in locke's blue jacket,white vest and black trousers,Vincent is in edgars blue top and jeans and locke is in celes's bright green bathing suit thingy
Celes: Ahh,i feel really strange today
Locke: Yeah,i just dont feel myself
Edgar: Are we gonna go or what?
Vincent: Yeah,ive got the teleport materia right here
Vincent casts the teleport spell,they appear back in thier proper clothes,but in hell
View goes across to where two cyberdemons are playing chess,one has small versions of the doom monsters as his peices,the other has stuff like planes and tanks of the U.S space marines as his
Cyber 1: My jet fighter takes your cacodemon
Cyber 2: oh bother
Cyber 1: Uh-oh...ive buggered up
Cyber 2: I move my icon of sin to here,hah,check mate
Cyber 1: Isnt it ETAM KCEHC!!! ?
Cyber 2: Hehe,you do a great impression of that icon of sin...that guys really stupid though-he only has that spawner thingy-and talk about overweight
Cyber 1 is shocked
Cyber 2: He's behind me isnt he?
Icon of sin: !DESUMA YREV TNSI EH DNA,SEY
Icon of sin fires a spawner into cyber 2,causing the imp that appears to telefrag him
Back to earth,outside the laundry,the 4 characters appear out of the air
Vincent: Thats better
They go inside with the laundry bag,people run out gagging
Inside-they go to a machine
Locke: Right,first,fill machine...
All the machines slam thier doors shut
Washing machine: Piss off!
Vincent: ahh no! technofear!
Celes: Dont worry,ive talked to lots of machines before
Edgar (to camera): Yeah,she used to ring up shinra tech support a lot
Celes (loudly): OOH! LOOK WHAT IVE GOT,ALL OF SCARLET'S UNDERWEAR, AND IT NEEDS A GOOOOD WASH!
One machine opens up
They all hold open the door and stuff the clothes in,then hold it shut while locke stands back and reads the instructions, the machine makes gagging noises and starts to shake
Locke: Okay,add the powder...well what kind of powder??
Celes is unscrewing the top of a pipe bomb
Vincent: I think it means washing powder
goes over to washing powder dispenser,smashes it open with his elbow and steals a box
Locke (Pours it in the tray): Right,thats the powder,Now..do we require conditioner
Vincent: No,thats just for people doing thier hair
Locke: Right..insert 10 gil
Goes back to them sitting round the table in the house
Celes: Its not like this neeeeds cleaning anyway,i wont even buy it for 18 years
Edgar: How did we get back into 1982 anyway?
A "The end" scene from an old western pops up for half a microsecond
Locke: Vincent botched the teleport spell
Vincent: Its not my fault, yuffie buggered up all my materia
Locke: Ah yeah, Yuffie, i remember her..i wanted to get her into bed
Edgar: Thats not exactly a challenge...
Vincent: ......AAAAHH!...Thats what i needed to tell you!!!
Vincent: We've been picked to go on finalfantasy challenge, Tonight!
Celes: Oh god....TO THE STATION!
Motorhead appears playing "Ace of spades"-with various scenes of the 4 in the station
They run through the station car park
All 4 run under a big sign saying "NO ENTRY", as gaurds lazily try to stop them by sticking thier arms out
Scene of edgar running past a newspaper thing,he steals a paper but then pays for it anyway
Locke walks out of a shop with a drink
Celes runs past the newspaper thing,stuffs an entire bun in her mouth,including the wrapper,then gives the woman two fingers and runs off
Vincent is waiting for a photo
Locke looks at his watch and spills the drink
The song ends as they all jump on the train as its leaving
On the train-vincent and edgar are sitting round a table,vincent is reading from one of a huge load of books and papers
Vincent: Gah,its gonna be really hard,i wont be able to answer anything
Edgar: Well i dont care,youre there swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo,and i havent dont one bit of work! (Picks up book) go on! test me!
Vincent: I thought you just said...
Edgar: Just test me! do it properly and dont skip bits
Vincent: Okay (reading from book) "Hi edgar wanna meet up later so i can suck on your-"
Edgar: Not THAT bit!
Vincent: Ahh,okay.."Crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after"
Edgar: ahh...crop rotation in the 17th century was remarkably more widesp-
Vincent: Its considerably
Edgar: Well thats not important
Vincent: You said to do it properly
Edgar: Well not THAT properly..
Edgar: Right....Crop rotation in the 17th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread after....ooh,i know this-dont tell me-.......1172
Edgar: Well? am i right?
Vincent: You just said not to tell you
Edgar: Well only for a minute!
Vincent: A minute from now or a minute from then
Edgar: Grah! just tell me the answer
Edgar: what? crop rotation in the 17th century was considerably more widespread after john?
Vincent: ...llyod invented the patent crop rotator
Edgar: HAH! i knew it!
Vincent: No you didnt,you said 1172,that doesnt sound a bit like john
Edgar: Look,never mind..you swot! youve done loads of work for this havent you..loads and loads and loads and loads....
Vincent: Calm down,its only finalfantasy challenge!
Locke and celes come along
Celes (hands edgar a paper cup): Here you are,that'll be a fiver
Edgar: Its empty
Celes: Yeah i got thirsty so i had a little bit of it
Edgar: But its all gone...
Celes: Yeah,i chucked the rest out the window cause i hate you
Vincent: Ahh,i just know i wont be able to answer a thing!
Celes: Not to worry,ive done my revision!
pulls out a big book and plonks it on the table
Locke picks the book up
Locke: "The shinra news book of facts-did you know?"
Vincent: Ooh,do you think thats where they get the questions from?
Celes: Probably...test me!
Vincent: Right..er...the worlds stickiest bogey was produced by?
Celes: Toxteth 'o grady,costa del sol
Vincent: Hey,he's right!..who has the worlds greenest hair?
Celes: er...Terra bradford,narshe
Edgar: Worlds stupidest bottom-burp?-celes,vector
Vincent: It says edgar here actually...
Celes: Heh,i knew that
Vincent: Yeah! now were sure to win!
Celes: Yeah,now im off to stuff loads of paper down the toilet!
Locke (to camera): Ive often wondered who did that
Scene near a door
Celes (reading sign): "Do not stick head out the window"...why?
Looks out,the train goes past a metal pole and her head gets chopped off,celes's body falls down and hits a vending machine, elbowing the "Pheonix down" button, it comes out and spills on her body and brings it back to life. The body then pulls the emergency cord and the train stops
Edgar: Oh what now?
Locke: Somebody mustve stopped the train
Edgar: Well it wasnt me,if shinra railways want 500 gil they can blimmin well go out and become a prostitute,which they virtually are,come to think of it (turns to camera) Eh commuters?
Vincent: Ahh, we'll never get there now..
Locke: Dont worry vinny, Chrono's a personal friend..i introduced him to yuji shabita..
Edgar: COME ON! COME ON! GET THIS THING MOVING!...ooh,i dont know,they'll tell us were being held up by mexican bandits or something...
At the front a mexican bandit is holding up the train
Driver: I never wanted to be a train driver really,back at school they said if i got 3 'O' levels i could be the chairman of shinra steel.They only ever give that to people that go to public schools anyway...like,the only thing you get from public schools is high-paying jobs and a fascination with perverse sexual practises...
The bandit is not impressed
Driver: No wonder Shinra management is so crap, right, the moment they get in the boardroom theyre all slamming each other's dicks in the door! "ooh yes!, give it another slam, sir michael!, want to play 'the panzer commander and the milkmaid'?"
Celes's body is walking down the track,her head is laying on the lineside
Celes's head: Its about time you got here,you bastard!
Her body starts kicking her head down the track
Back at where the driver is still being held up
Driver: Thats a zapata mustache innit? funny,he started out as a revolutinary and ended up as a mustace,like che guevrara ended up as a sort of boutiqe..,and garibaldi ended up as a sort of biscuit...lots of revolutionaries have ended up as busicits,theres your garibaldi's,your bourbons and your tescos trotsky assortment...
The bandit is looking very confused
Driver (Sings): Revolutinary biscuits of wuati/rise up out of your box/you have noting to lose but your wafers/yum yum yum yum yum
Shot of a roller leaving vector college,inside are rufus,hojo,kefka and scarlet
All four: rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks! ha ha ha!
Hojo: You know its a rotten shame, i went to see the careers officer in big college and he said all he's got left was chairman of Shinra steel..pah, i wanted to be director general of the SBC
Kefka: Yes, they gave it to skapper just cause he directed our world tour of "Final fantasy 4" and wrote the hilarious revue "What ho, ancient?"
They all start laughing at that remark
Hojo: Bah, chairman of a nationalised industry? i'd rather be a cabinet minister!
Rufus: Well im alright cause daddy bought me the Avalanche party for my birthday
They all laugh poshly again
Scarlet: At least were going to smash the oiks at finalfantasy challenge
Kefka: We've just got time before my balls drop!
All four: Rah rah rah! were going to smash the oiks!
The roller drives past the four characters hitch-hiking, they all have thier thumbs out, apart from celes who has her middle finger out
Edgar: Bah, it must be 200 miles to Midgar, and i bet we have to walk the whole bloody way!
Vincent: We're gonna be really late
Locke: I told you, chrono's a personal friend, i helped him get the Makocham commercials
Vincent: Wow, do you think they really make it from Mako?
Edgar: Oh shut up you, if Celes hadnt pulled the communication chord that man would never have thrown us off the train
Locke: Edgar,We got thrown off the train cause you told him Shinra Railways was an anagram for "Total and utter bastard"
Vincent: Which it isnt..even
Edgar: Oh shut up vincent, if you hadnt been born we wouldnt be in this mess, cause there'd only be 3 of us, and 3 isnt enough to go on finalfantasy challenge, so its your fault!
Vincent: well were still gonna be late
Locke: Not to worry, im the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!
The four walk into the SBC reception area
Locke: Told you so
Locke (to the gaurd): Evening officer, scumbag college, finalfantasy challenge
SBC gaurd: Hang on..you where supposed to be here 2 weeks ago
Vincent: Yeah, we had to walk the last 200 miles
Locke: We did phone ahead though...didnt we? vincent, you did phone?
SBC gaurd: Yeah, we did get a message.. "beep beep beep, oh no heavy, beep beep beep, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, i wish everyone lived a pastoral existance, and there was no machinery, trees and flowers dont try and cool you out and go beep in your ear"
Vincent: Yeah, that was the one
SBC guard: we got that on the 24th..hang on!
He points to a pig celes is carrying
SBC Gaurd: You cant bring that in 'ere!
Celes: Why not, its my mascot
SBC Gaurd: A pig?
Celes: Its actually a ferret, its just a deformed ferret that looks in a little way like a pig
SBC Gaurd: It looks exactly like a pig
Celes: Yes it has been remarked upon, just as john merrick is known as the elephant man, bacon sandwich is known as the pig ferret
SBC Gaurd: Bacon sandwich? thats an odd name for a ferret
Celes: Hah! thats where i had you fooled! because its not a ferret, its a pig!
Locke: Heh, you got him there celes
Edgar: Have you had enough nazi, or do you want some more?
He sticks two fingers up at the gaurd
Chrono comes along
Chrono: Ah, scumbag college, at last!
Locke: Chrono chrono, me main man! how ya been all these years? still travelling through time?
Vincent is crying
Edgar: Vincent, whats wrong
Vincent: Im sorry everyone, sorry chrono, im just, like, remembering that bit where you started to fall in love with marle...
Celes: I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the prostitute's face!
Vincent: That wasnt in chrono trigger, celes
Celes: It was in the sequel, vincent, "Chrono goes crazy ape bonkers with a drill and set"
Vincent (shocked): Did you do it, chrono? did you do a squaresoft nasty?
Chrono: So what if i did? im not apologising, after chrono trigger my life collapsed, when the porn RPG came along i thought "heres my chance to get something back"..thanks to locke here i got the makocham commercials..but if it hadnt been for the chance to host final fantasy challenge i'd be living on the streets by now
Celes: So, ya gonna let us win then?
Chrono: No, the posh kids always do, come on...
In the Finalfantasy challenge studio, Celes, Edgar, Vincent and Locke are sitting on the top row, Rufus, Scarlet, Kefka and Hojo are sitting on the bottom row, the theme music is playing and the top 4 are dancing stupidly
Chrono: Hello and welcome to another episode of finalfantasy challenge, i'm Chrono and today we have Scumbag college against Vector imperial academy
Crowd: Rah rah rah!, we're going to smash the oiks!
Chrono: Thats the sprit, representing scumbag college we have Celes..
Celes sticks her middle fingers up at the camera
Edgar: Hi there
Vincent: Vegetable rights and peace
Chrono: And locke
Chrono: And representing Vector we have Rufus
Rufus: Sieg hiel!
Kefka: Hello there
Chrono: And hojo
Chrono: Okay, your starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers, Born of moblizian stock, he
Vincent buzzes in
Announcer: Scumbag Vincent
Vincent: Er yeah, can i go to the toilet?
Chrono: Er, youre barking up the wrong tree there, anyone want to buzz from vector?
Hojo buzzes in
Announcer: Vector Hojo
Hojo: Um..wasnt it...Monk d'wally d'honque?
Chrono: Can you give me any more?
Hojo: Will 1000 gil do?
Chrono: Yes, so Vector leads with 10 points but its early days yet, and here are your bonus...
Vincent buzzes again
Vincent: er..yeah..buzz..i really need to go
Chrono: Sorry...Next question, In 11..
Kefka buzzes in
Kefka: The battle of albrook!
Chrono: Well thats very well anticipated there, 5 points to vector, now, in 1313 this tower was erected to act as a lookout post against invaders from the kingdom of doma
Scarlet buzzes in
Scarlet: Ive got a porsche! heehee!
Chrono: Well thats not quite it, but i can give you that, making vector lead by 20 points
Scarlet: Daddy will send the cheque tomorrow! heehee!
Chrono: Ok vector, your last bonus question, Who is the richest person in the world?
Celes accidentally buzzes in while dis-assembling the microphone
Announcer: Scumbag Celes
Rufus buzzes in
Rufus: Er, isnt it my dad?
Chrono: No, sorry, he was brutally murdered a few minutes ago, so its you.
Rufus: Really? oh fiddle!
The returners all huddle round
Edgar: This is useless, we're getting utterly thrashed!, there must be some way we can cheat
Vincent: Guys, its starting to seep out, i'll just have to wee on kefka's head
Locke: Its very simple, Vince, Use the jug
He empties the water in the jug on kefka, then drops it on him. Kefka just looks to the side like nothing happened
Chrono: Ok, your new starter question for 10 points, no conferring
Celes buzzes in
Celes: I've just about had enough of this!
She kicks a hole in the floor, and accidentally boots Rufus in the process
Celes: Give us some easy ones, you bastard!
Locke: You get 'em, Celes
She pulls out a german stick grenade
She throws it down
Scarlet: Its not an automatic...
BOOM!, bits of the vector team are laying everywhere
Locke: Ok chrono, fire away!
Chrono: ...right, er, Who produced the worlds stickiest bogey?
Locke buzzes in
Locke: Toxteth 'o grady, Costa del sol
Celes: I told you that, you bloody cheat!
Chrono: Correct, Who has the world's greenest hair?
Locke: Terra bradford, Narshe
Celes: You bastard!
Chrono: Right, Who made the world's stupidest bottom-burp?
Vincent buzzes in
Vincent: Ooh ooh!, Edgar, Figaro kingdom
Edgar: It was not!
Chrono: And your last question to take you into the lead..
He reads halfway along the next one and looks suspicous
Chrono: Who's been tampering with my question cards?
Edgar buzzes in
Edgar: Ooh! ooh!, it was me!..damn damn!
The crowd starts booing them and throwing objects, then a gigantic cream bun falls on them, Dr carlisle picks it up
Dr carlisle: Och, now its covered with human beings the size of bacteria, Here ya go jumbo, get this through yer oesophagus
He feeds it to the elephant
The credits start to come up as the end music plays
Cyberdemon: Well i think an invasion of earth could have a deadening effect on the post-satan ecomony of the hell realm, and i would advise caution until at least the middle of the next fiscal year before you want to get onto the property ladder, in the meantime you could rent a dank cave overlooking the river styx...
Baron of hell: Well i hadnt really considered the red fireballs to be much of an improvement over the green ones in the past, though obviously that is something i'd have to look into, i dont suppose you have a twisted sculpture of flesh which could explain the differences?
Imp: Its amazing what you find on earth, i found this thing in some human's flat
He holds up a vibrator
Imp: I dunno what it could be used for, the flat certinaly looked like some of the places down here..but we dont have any of these, maybe we should start making them...
Icon of sin: !GNIHCTAW ROF SKNAHT