Internet Edition - 6TH September 2007


Monster Raving Loony Democrat councillor David Jenkins today put forward plans for congestion charging in Cambridge to be in operation 24 hours a day, including charging residents who live in the city and want to drive out of it.

"The time has come" said the councillor of the controversial plan, "to show that we will leap on any bandwagon idea suggested by another party, but take it to a ludicrous, vote-losing extreme". The plans, which would see all motor vehicles in the city tracked by a monitoring centre and those without a card bought outside the zone arrested, where first suggested by the Conservatives, who only wished for the measures to be put in place during peak traffic times. Conservative MP for the region, Malcom Foss, branded this latest policy theft as "eh, what? I wasn't listening", a view believed to be shared by those in the Labour party.

In the real world

Meanwhile on the streets of Cambridge, the latest traffic figures showed a spectacular 800% increase in congestion since the previous traffic check. The new check, done on that road into the city where the idiots decided to divert two of three lanes to the science park and only one into the city, was believed to have been skewed by being performed on the folk festival weekend. When questioned about this councillors denied that this test was unscientific, stating: "no we did it on purpose to deliberately get inaccurate results and force our plans though. As is standard practice in the region".

Coun. David Jenkins (archive picture)


Since the announcement, there has been a large amount of complaints from drivers in the region. Particularly those in outlying villages without easy (any) access to public transport. The council moved to alleviate their fears, claiming "those little Englander country bumpkins' opinions don't matter anyway". A full public consultation into the proposed plans has been promised, with residents encouraged to make their voice known. This will then be ignored and the charges will be introduced in the middle of 2009. Prices for retail space in Peterborough increased tenfold overnight, in possibly related circumstances.

-- YOUR SAY --

Why not just build a monorail system running from outlying multi-storey car parks to the major retail areas and city centre? I'll tell you why, nobody has any drive or ambition any more. The great British values of spirit, determination and a "can-do" attitude have been crushed into blandness and unquestioning conformity. They'll suggest some plan well in advance, get everybody angry, ignore them until they lose the will to fight, then push ahead with it regardless and nobody will try to stop them. Oh and all the money that could pay for such a system appears to have disappeared. But the council wouldn't know anything about that I suppose.

Eeh all these cars, not like it where in my day. My Eric, he used to have this open car he did, mind you it where something special in them days. And you couldn't drive with the rationing. Well there was a war on like we used to say. Still he took us down Margate once in it, lovely drive it was. Mind you there wasn't all this traffic in them days, something special to have a car in them days it was. Mind you there was rationing on the petrol, but there was a war on like we said in them days, when my Eric was alive. He took us down to Margate in the car once, lovely it was. Mind you there wasn't all this traffic in them days. Or so many darkies neither.

As deputy sub-chief advisor to the advisory planning committee on provision for the LGBTQTQRST squirrel division of the planning subcommittee, I fail to see what has gotten the under classes so angry about this plan. I for one fail to see the need for a motor car in today's society, I can reach any important part of the city centre within 10 minutes on my bike. Mind you I do live in a flat overlooking the cam, but those beneath me can't possibly live that much further away can they? I mean the only time I leave the city it's by helicopter to conferences in London, but it still doesn't look that far from up there. I don't know why they get so annoyed, but then I suppose it's probably their lesser breeding.

M. Smith

E. Mental

M. Jobsworth

Info about the Felney Herald